Looking through my drafts of all the posts I’ve started and not finished (a little like my projects, right?!) I found this one. I wrote this post back in February – we were living in Sydney at the time and life wasn’t totally awesome. It was after I kept getting asked “how do you do it?” and I wondered why people asked me that because in my mind I wasn’t doing anything! I felt like a big disorganised mess and thought a post knocking the myth that you could do and have it all on the head was in order. But it sort of turned into a rant instead and I remember saving it as a draft rather than publishing it because sometimes it helps to write stuff out and file it away. It allows you to vent without making it public and that sometimes can make you feel better. And it did – it was one of the first steps to making me realise life in Sydney wasn’t all we expected it to be and it was literally weeks after that we decided to make steps to move back home up the coast. I read this now and nod my head at many of the things still. But most of the frustration I felt when I banged it out one night is gone. I haven’t edited it at all so it is almost in point form in parts where i was meant to fill in the gaps to make it flow and make sense to the post title more, but you’ll get the idea. Have a read.
“So I’ve been in this mopey mood. Everything is bugging me. And by everything, I mean everything: walking to and from the school twice a day. Immy not sleeping. Zak and Layla not listening. Living in Sydney. People who wear stupid things like butt-revealing shorts or top knots that are BIGGER THAN THEIR HEADS (there is a girl I see who lives near me. I want to cut it off). People who promote their blog 251563 times a day on Twitter and Facebook. People who are able to spend ALL day on Twitter and Facebook. Twitter and Facebook in general. The black hole that is credits on Pinterest. The feeling that if you’re not on all kinds of social media you’re going to miss out on readers or hits or something. How blogging seems to have turned into a competitive sport. Anything to do with body image, Photoshopping, Karadashians and eating “right”. Cooking shows. Reality shows. Viral videos that are not funny but everyone says are funny because the internet says they are. The ridiculousness of politics in this country. Society in general. Not having enough money. Not having time to MAKE more money. Not having any time to finish projects. Not having my own house. Not … I think that’s enough. I think you get the point. I’m over everything!
I’ve started to write this post about 5 times in the last few weeks. I keep deleting it. I don’t like being negative on here. But I like to keep things real. Despite my blog name, sometimes, life isn’t always 100% happy. Gasp! There is no real reason for all this negativity and petty annoyances – and they are petty. I have a great life and a great family and I’m not at all depressed (truly – I’m not!), but all of a sudden, life seems exhausting. And I AM tired – 0h yes! I’m buggered. But that aside, the online world seems to pressure and exhaust me more than the real world. Rereading that sounds so stupid. But it’s true. I’m not at all social on social media. I pop on a couple of times and tweet things, but I’m useless at interacting – partly because I usually get distracted by a child. And partly because I’m just not that into it. Maybe it’s the whole shy thing – I’m naturally quite shy and I’ve never been great at tooting my own horn. I’m quite a pushover (just ask my husband – he tells me all the time I let people walk over me too much!!!) And I do. I’m terrible at saying no and I just want everyone to be happy.
I try not to do too much online during the day – as soon as the laptop comes out, Layla is telling me “no work” and Immy is basically saying the same thing by immediately crawling over and banging on the keyboard.
Reading the Alt Summit highlights about blogging, I got so inspired to do this, that and everything with my blog. I wrote lists and brainstormed ideas and thought of where I could take it. Then I realised that most of what I was doing was just to get my blog hits and become more popular. What I really want to do with it, I’m still not 100% sure. I keep changing my mind.
truth is, life can be super-hard and crazy and hectic but anything to do with decorating or craft etc is my only real outlet. even then i share it with my kids – but i’m not able to just sit at the computer and write. they won’t let me! instead, if i’m physically doing something, making something or helping them make/create something, they’re fine. they love it. so that’s what we do. it just happens i also like to document it for the blog, but the other side of things is this: i am crap at the housework, i never pay bills on time, i haven’t done any GST for this year. i only just changed my address to this house two or three months after my mail redirection ran out. I’m disorganised, forgetful and messy. i get frustrated easily with my kids when they don’t listen and feel like i yell a lot. i don’t have time for proper work so i have done nothing since immy was born except the kidspot crafts – because of the point i made above! i can do it WITH my kids. i have my kids the entire time – bar zak being in school – and no real family help anymore. it;s tiring, exhausting and frustrating but that’s how it is and we’re all happy and healthy and fine, but i do feel like the day has whizzed by and i’ve done nothing but walk to the school and back. and then just like that my blog posts appear and only show the crafts i’ve done or something i’ve made for around the home and life looks easy and fun and creative, but the reality it i probably worked on it for days with constant interruptions and we might have eaten toasties that night because other things got pushed aside. blogging is a little like that – very much an edited life.
and that’s why my posts are so sporadic. i wish i could blog everyday about cool and interesting things, but i do try and keep my posts as original as possible with original images/text or a new spin on things. i don’t want to be a blog that just rehashes other people’s images or work or just posts happy quotes and nothing else. that’s not interesting to me. so i do what i can when i can and hope that that’s ok.
So I’ve discovered that doing and having it all is very personal. For me, doing it all is exhausting and leaves less time for having it all.”
No I’m not really sure what that last line means either. I mean I do – I think I was trying to be clever, but don’t think it’s quite right. So I was quite the sad sack, wasn’t I? Funny thing is, I still feel this way about most of those things. They just don’t bother me (as much!) any more. I feel happier again. I am tired still, but I have a bit of help now. I love being back here and love enjoying our life by the water. We ride, we scoot, we walk, we paddle, we kayak, we hunt for treasure on the beach and build sandcastles in the sand, we build shelters and make fishing rods from sticks and reeds, we play cricket and hula hoop and make and fly paper aeroplanes. We hunt for crabs and feed the ducks. We eat better, we feel healthier. We go for drives and snoop at homes we want to live in and dream of our future home on the waters edge (hopefully). We play outside till it’s too dark to see and we run around barefoot on the grass and be loud and crazy. Because we can. And it’s so great.
Life feels back to normal and it’s almost as though we never left. We don’t regret for one second our move to Sydney – because it helped us realise what it was we wanted from our lives and helped us work towards it. I look back on this post and remember how I felt and how different I feel now. So while this might explain a little of why I disappear from here quite frequently for long bouts of time, please know it’s not because I’m sitting in the crazy corner rocking to and fro, it’s because I’m enjoying things away from the online world. As my friend said to me only last night – “so many people are so busy trying to SHOW how fabulous their life is that they aren’t actually LIVING life. They are just caught up in documenting it.”
I often wonder if I get lumped in that category. I hope not! I try to keep it real, which is why I’m posting this post. I have a list as long as .. something really long of all the things I’ve got to post about here. I’ll get to them, but sometimes I wonder if they’re what you want to read/see! So please help me out a little – let me know in the comments the things you enjoy the most about this blog or what you’d like to see more or less of. It’ll help me make up my mind where I want to take it. And I’m warning you – despite living it up away from technology for most of the day, I have a big dose of inspiration headed my way next month. I’m taking Holly’s
Blogging Your Way course again because I could do with a refresher. Between that and your suggestions, hopefully I’ll find my way again!
{Images from my Instagram account of things we’ve been up to lately. You can follow me @belindagraham}
Georgy says:
Katrina says:
Miss Sew & So says:
heather says:
Belinda says:
Amanda @ willful/joyful says:
Marie 
Ali 
Emma 
and I love that you keep it real, not enough people do!
Nik 
Olga 
Louise 
Claire 
Jen 
Belinda 
Brea A 
Vanessa 
Jennifer 